I have really been struggling lately with going into church "ready" to worship God. Most Sundays, I am exhausted/frustrated/aggravated/annoyed/etc. This Sunday was no exception...
I always try to get to church by about 8:30 since I teach Sunday School. I like the complete silence and aloneness. And, honestly, I often need the time to get myself prepared (I haven't been very diligent with that lately). I woke up about the time I usually do, but after a completely horrible night of sleep. This, of course, started me off on the wrong foot. On my way out the door, I realized that my friend's wedding bubbles had leaked all over the porch (this was NOT my fauly). So I had to go through all the bubbles, as she's coming to pick them up any day now, and keep the ones that were full and throw away the empty ones. That set me back a good 15 minutes and I HATE being late (even though I'm the one who set that goal for myself - don't ask). I get to my car and look down to see that my coffee had leaked all down the front of my outfit. There was no other solution but to rush back into my house (muttering and cursing under my breath all the way - no, I'm not perfect. sorry.) and find a new outfit to wear.
Finally, around 8:50 and find that no one has made sure that we have a snack for the kids to eat (no, I'm not blaming anyone). I call my dad and "beg" him to pick up something on his way into church. I look in the church bulletin and find out that the Sunday School class (John Piper is awesome!) I really wanted to take is going to be offered this summer and not next fall as I was hoping. Normally, I wouldn't get as upset as I did. This all adds to my mood...
I have a confession to make - I don't enjoy teaching Sunday School anymore. Does this make me a bad person? I've been teaching for about 6 years with NO break - except for 3 months when Rhiannon did it. Then she stopped and no one else could be found to cover for the class. So, 4 years later - here I am. Don't get me wrong, I love the kids. They're adorable, funny, and I like to think they like me as well (but, of course, I could be wrong). I just need some time off. I miss going to my own Sunday School class. I don't really have the extra time that should be going into preparing for this class. I feel like I'm letting them down. I just don't have the energy or the passion for it that I once did. It's become routine and that's not how I think it should be. The problem is - no one else seems willing to step in. I feel badly leaving Miss Jeanine to teach by herself, but I really need a year off (as Pastor Dave requests of all newlyweds). And, I feel like a complete failure.
Anyway, back to what I was originally talking about. Every Sunday, I try to prepare myself for worship. I really do (well, most of the time). But in my rush to get out of the house, pull myself through Sunday School - I am tired and can only think about how hungry I am and how I could really go for a nap. I've begun to dread Sundays sometimes - they're so packed full of Sunday School, Small Groups, Bible Study, Night church, family stuff, etc. I am left feeling tired and not giving my all to one particular thing. I can't even focus on God the way I need to because I'm always thinking about the next thing to do that day. All of those things are great and, for the most part, I enjoy them - I just don't know how to take one thing at a time.
I feel like Satan is attacking me every Sunday. I go to bed Saturday night feeling prepared and excited for the next day, but wake up Sunday morning feeling as though there's no way I can possibly make it through the day. My attitude is often horrible from start to finish. I can't focus on the worship or the sermon and I often don't even know what is happening in the service. It's a struggle from the start.
Why can't I seem to pull it together? It's breaking my heart.... I so long to have a true heart of worship. I want it so badly, but it just doesn't seem to come. I can't worship the way I need to and I hate it!