Hmmm... So, It's Been Awhile...

I don't even know where to start.  Somehow, I have not even had a few minutes to sit down and write a blog.  But I guess I should since Jackson is now 7 months old (seriously have no idea where the time went) and how else am I going to remember everything that's happened.

I never realized how busy being a mom would make me.  Not that I thought moms were lazy and had any free time, but I figured with just one I would still get to have some time to myself once in awhile. Hahahahahaha - WRONG!  I can't believe how quickly - and how slowly - 7 months have passed.

Jackson is crawling everywhere and getting into everything.  If he is awake, he's moving and he's making noise.  Never quiet and never still, but sooo cute *most* of the time.  I'm grateful for a baby who, though he needs his schedule, is pretty flexible.  Little Man can keep up with our long days pretty well (though I do try to keep from being too busy - sometimes to the point where I NEED to get out of the house or I feel like I'm going to scream).  He's already been on a few vacations - and we're off to Disney World in a few weeks.

I am tired, and I don't really understand people who say "sleep when the baby sleeps."  This does not happen (unless I'm lucky enough that he does want to cuddle for a little while).  Nothing would ever get done - my house is already not as clean as it used to be and I can never seem to get on top of the laundry.

Life is different, but it's better.  I love his smiles and his giggles - he's such a happy, easy baby (which I'm sure just jinxed us for the next one).  We have good days and bad days, but I'm trying not to let them get the best of me.  It's hard - not necessarily harder than I thought, but some days I feel like I can't make it through.  Eventually I'll get to that, but it seems that *someone* is ready to go... again...  Oh well, at least I started this thing up again.

                                       

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We'll See How This Goes...

Tomorrow we leave for Deep Creek.  Under normal circumstances, I would be excited about this - especially as I had such a good experience last year.  But this year is different...

I had a pretty bad asthma attack on Thursday this week.  My midwife said it's most likely from completely overdoing it in the heat on Wednesday.  I spent most of yesterday at Patient First just waiting to get an inhaler so that I could breathe normally again.  It doesn't sound like a big deal maybe, but I literally could not catch a breath for most of the day on Thursday.  It was a little unnerving, but I think I handled it fairly well (though Shawn may have a different opinion).  At least I got to practice the breathing and relaxing that the Bradley book talks about. 

Anyway, in addition to not being able to go out on the boats or on the hike to Swallow Falls, I am now supposed to stay inside as much as possible. Though, after looking at the temperatures for the week (the highest for the week is 86 and the rest of the days are 80 and below - woo hoo!), I am thinking I can probably venture outside a little. And, with this new addition of asthma to my pregnancy, I need to take it reaaaaalllly slow. Not what I wanted to hear... I am still getting out of breath really easily, but I do not have the time to slow down today - there is too much to do to get ready and I haven't been able to do anything "productive" since Tuesday.

I am just so afraid that I will be completely useless on this trip. It's not really a vacation for those of us who are leaders. It's busy and there is a lot to do. I want to have a purpose and I don't want anyone to think I am just sitting around and being lazy. Last year, with being on the boats, I had a lot of opportunities to get to know all the teens. This year, I'm supposed to stay inside and that's not where they spend most of their time. It's really discouraging - I was already worried enough about going and being pregnant. Now I feel completely stuck. And I am discouraged. I want to push myself, but not at risk to the baby. I am feeling like I will be completely disconnected from everyone and everything this time around. I want to have an impact (though, as usual, I know God is the One working on their hearts) and I want to see God at work, but I am just so afraid I won't be able to keep up.

I thought about not going, but I don't think that is the right choice. I don't know, though - I guess I am just going to have to trust that God is going to use me where I am...