Well, Tiff, you win the prize. I am writing a blog about what we talked about a few Sundays ago in Small Groups...
Let's review 2009, shall we?
- Got engaged (though, technically, that was in 2008)
- Began wedding planning
- Was a bridesmaid in Manda's wedding
- Lost 2 grandparents
- Bought a house
- Quit The Limited
- Organized all the final wedding details
- Stopped teaching Sunday School temporarily (after something like 6 years)
- Started working on the house
- GOT MARRIED (September 11, 2009)
- WENT ON HONEYMOON (Boston, Cruise, back to Boston)
- Got a puppy (Libby!)
- First Thanksgiving with Shawn
- First Christmas with Shawn (and Libby)
- First New Years Eve with Shawn (and Eric and Tara's family)
That brings us to 2010. Did I miss anything? Didn't think so... It was a CrAzY year. In many, many good ways. If you know me well (and, even if you really don't), you've probably realized I don't deal so well with change. I can handle it for awhile and keep it bottled up, but eventually it all comes to a head. Usually when someone asks. And, let's just say, someone finally did. Then the sobbing started - and we all know how it goes from there.
My life is in a completely different place than last year. I'm married now. I thought I was adjusting well. Actually, I still think I am adjusting well. Sometimes, though, I just get overwhelmed. Shawn's schedule is somewhat crazy - we don't really know what it will be from week to week. He's decided to pick up an extra day and that doesn't leave a ton of time for "us" - especially with Aidan and Gavin coming twice a week (inevitably, those are the days Shawn usually has off). I'm not complaining, really. The job is great and we're not worried about him losing it - the way so many are these days. I feel lonely a lot, but I'm getting used to it. We've fallen into a rhythm. And, I love being married and a "homemaker" ( I always used to hate that term - until I became one, lol).
I think I'm doing a pretty good job, but there are many days where I feel like I'm doing nothing, don't matter to anyone, and like everyone's lives are more exciting than mine. I'm not always happy the way I should be. Though, I'm almost positive a lot of people feel that way...
It was also a year that started off with me close to God. That's not the case anymore. And that's the change I hate the most. The change I can't handle. I feel like I have failed Him and I feel like all I do is complain. I can't understand that. I'm so blessed. I love my husband. I just feel so far and I'm almost afraid that I can't go back (even though I know it's not the truth). I feel like I am hanging out on a ledge, all alone. It's not true. I just know I'm not where I should be and that kills me. It seems like everyone has their lives together, but I'm falling apart. I know what I need to do. I just don't know how.
Getting married and all the changes aren't meant to be excuses. But, that's what I've been hiding behind. My marriage is important, yes, but shouldn't be without Him. And, in using the busyness (which I'm not so much anymore) as a shield, I've fallen further and further away. I'm not sure I even realized it until last month. I don't know how I missed it. I couldn't be more disgusted and frustrated with myself than I am right now.
I have my resolutions for this year and they're "the usual" ones, so I won't bore you by putting them on here. This is where I am. It's not where I want to be, but I'm working on it. Where I want to be is: close to God, close to my husband, close to my friends. And, I want more excitement. I want to grow in God and into a better woman. I want to be happy. These things will take time and effort. I just need to get off my butt. And pray. A LOT!
Is it strange that, as much as I don't do well with change, that's always what I want...
P.S. You might have missed it in all this, but I do love being married and I love my husband. I know I am blessed. I know I am loved by God and I know this will eventually get "figured out."