We'll See How This Goes...

Tomorrow we leave for Deep Creek.  Under normal circumstances, I would be excited about this - especially as I had such a good experience last year.  But this year is different...

I had a pretty bad asthma attack on Thursday this week.  My midwife said it's most likely from completely overdoing it in the heat on Wednesday.  I spent most of yesterday at Patient First just waiting to get an inhaler so that I could breathe normally again.  It doesn't sound like a big deal maybe, but I literally could not catch a breath for most of the day on Thursday.  It was a little unnerving, but I think I handled it fairly well (though Shawn may have a different opinion).  At least I got to practice the breathing and relaxing that the Bradley book talks about. 

Anyway, in addition to not being able to go out on the boats or on the hike to Swallow Falls, I am now supposed to stay inside as much as possible. Though, after looking at the temperatures for the week (the highest for the week is 86 and the rest of the days are 80 and below - woo hoo!), I am thinking I can probably venture outside a little. And, with this new addition of asthma to my pregnancy, I need to take it reaaaaalllly slow. Not what I wanted to hear... I am still getting out of breath really easily, but I do not have the time to slow down today - there is too much to do to get ready and I haven't been able to do anything "productive" since Tuesday.

I am just so afraid that I will be completely useless on this trip. It's not really a vacation for those of us who are leaders. It's busy and there is a lot to do. I want to have a purpose and I don't want anyone to think I am just sitting around and being lazy. Last year, with being on the boats, I had a lot of opportunities to get to know all the teens. This year, I'm supposed to stay inside and that's not where they spend most of their time. It's really discouraging - I was already worried enough about going and being pregnant. Now I feel completely stuck. And I am discouraged. I want to push myself, but not at risk to the baby. I am feeling like I will be completely disconnected from everyone and everything this time around. I want to have an impact (though, as usual, I know God is the One working on their hearts) and I want to see God at work, but I am just so afraid I won't be able to keep up.

I thought about not going, but I don't think that is the right choice. I don't know, though - I guess I am just going to have to trust that God is going to use me where I am...