Sickness & Discouragement

Sick... again... for the second time in 3 weeks. I don't get sick that often, so I'm not sure what's happening. I hate it. I hate just sitting here and watching tv. I'm tired of tv, tired of reading, tired of everything. I know, I'm complaining. I guess there's never a "good" time to get sick, but this surely isn't it. Shawn finally has a weekend off, so we were supposed to do some things together (for about the first time since our anniversary trip 2 months ago) but now it looks like we'll be stuck at home. I'm also missing CrossCurrent for the second time (after only having been twice).

Honestly, I'm torn between being relieved and frustrated that I am not there. I know, I've only been twice, but I'm already discouraged about CrossCurrent. It's both what I expected and not what I expected - all at the same time. I don't really know many of the kids (maybe only about 10) and this intimidates me. None of them know who I am and none of them really seem to care. It's full of cliques (which I expected) so that makes it pretty hard to talk to any of them. It's somewhat like the senior trip we went on last year. I know it will take time and I get that they really only want to be there to hang out with their friends. That's normal, but it's just very uncomfortable. It's also harder for Shawn to understand. He's never been a teenage girl and he can't understand why they act the way they do and why I don't just impose myself upon all of the girls there. The guys have already been very accepting of him. It's not that the girls are rude - it's just different.

For the past 2 years, I've been leading a Bible study of a couple girls from church. I've loved our times together - even the weeks when we seem to get nothing done, it's still fun. But this year everyone is busier than ever. It's frustrating to find even one Sunday a month when everyone (or at least the majority) can be there. I feel like I'm ready to just give up, but it just might have to be that way. I can't tell what it is God wants. When I felt like just being done a couple months ago, the girls rallied and wouldn't stand for stopping. Difficult...

I am also having a hard time, just in general. I try to spend time with God and get my encouragement from there, but lately I feel nothing. I feel lonely. No one I know is fully in the same stage of life. I have plenty of friends - everything has just felt different lately. Yes, everyone's busy. But, when did I start feeling like I really know nothing about anyone and like no one really wants to know what's going on with me either? Ugh...

I've been praying for a few of my friends the past few years. That things will change. That they will realize all they could have if they just gave their lives over to God. That none of the things they are doing will ever truly make them happy. No answers. None. I feel like they're just moving further and further away. It's their choice. I can't make anyone decide or change their hearts. Sometimes, I feel like "only" being able to pray for them (because, honestly, I've tried just about everything else - at least, in my opinion) isn't enough. But, I know it's all I can do. I can be there for them, support them, and I can pray for them. I'm trying...

I don't really know. I feel like this doesn't make much sense - it's just a lot of thoughts all jumbled up into one blog post. A lot might have to do with me being sick. Lol! But, it's real. It's just another time in my life where I feel a little overwhelmed and like nothing I seem to do is good enough and that nothing will settle down...