Tonight, I realized something important. Christmas isn't about me. Of course, I've always known that. But I don't always act like it. I was very proud of myself this year. I had the "Christmas spirit" (whatever that actually is), got everything done early, and was excited. I'm guessing that this being my first Christmas with Shawn has had a lot to do with it. In the past, Christmas has felt like just another day. Not this year. I was ready. I GOT IT! I've been trying so hard to keep my focus on the real meaning of Christmas and actually thinking about the reason we celebrate Christmas. But, I guess I still lost the real truth in all of this.
As I was getting ready for church, all I could think about was how much I loved my new dress and how good I was going to try to look. I've been really insecure lately (put on a few pounds in all the busyness - lots of fast food and pizza) and I was finally feeling like maybe I wasn't hideous. Be honest, you all know what I mean. I'm almost positive we've all been there. I love, love, loved this dress. Shawn loved the way it looked on me (and I don't get reactions from him often). I was rocking that red dress. I got everything into the car and was adjusting the driver's seat when I heard a dreaded tearing sound. Looking over, I realized that the zipper had completely split apart (too much information, maybe?). Me being, well, me, burst into tears while running into the house to find something acceptable to wear (thank God I love fancy dresses, lol).
By the time I found something (it took a few tries - like I said, a few pounds), I was going to be late for church. I hate being late, but that's beside the point. I called Shawn and told him everything and then yelled at him for having to work. Not my best moment. And not fair to him. In all honesty, I'm not mad at him at all. He's going to be making good money the next two nights and we're celebrating Christmas on the 26th. I am VERY excited! I am, however, disappointed that I'm spending Christmas Eve and Christmas night alone (besides Libby).
On the drive to church, I realized something. I wasn't mad at him. I was mad at myself (as is often the case). I'd forgotten why I was going to church. To celebrate the birth of my Savior. Not for people to tell me they liked my dress. *Shock of all shocks* Maybe, in this small scenario, God was trying to tell me my focus really wasn't in the right place this evening. Christmas isn't about me. It seems basic and this whole issue is trivial. I know that, but maybe I'm not alone in feeling this way. I clearly needed something to change my focus and, believe me, it did.
So, tonight, I sit here thinking about this. Refocusing myself. Looking at the Christmas tree. And remembering why I'm here. Why you're here. Why we're here. It's all for Him!
Merry Christmas from Andi & Shawn (and Libby, too)!
3 comments:
THAT is the Holy Spirit growing you into maturity. Love you sweetheart! Tiff
I know JUST what you mean. Thanks for being transparent. When He is our center, instead of ourselves, things go MUCH better!! :) Love you, Andi!
andi, i love your blog, girl! thanks for showing us your tough times in order that we may grow from them as well! that's what it's all about...growing together toward christ!
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